Have you ever seen a man and lady that just met getting to know each other. They try as much as possible to display their positive and attractive features. From the start, when pictures are to be exchanged, they send their best pictures. Then they try as much as possible to portray a personality they believe the other person would like. No one ever meets someone and says “I get angry easily”, “I like money”, “I get suicidal atimes” or “I don’t respect men”.
So when people go into friendships and relationships with only their “good” traits on display, it’s all good for the first few days. They are still living in this love bubble that seems unending. They are so love struck that they think of the other person every single time. They gush about them to their friends. This is the “I am in love” bubble.
Then out of nowhere, the bad traits begin to seep out. She had a little argument with him over the DSTV and he flares up, raises his voice, breaks the tumbler on the table and storms into the bedroom. She is shocked. “What just happened?”, she thinks to herself. The love bubble is slowly being pricked.
The same loving and respectful girl has an argument with her father on the phone and calls him unprintable names. Her own father. Her new love struck boyfriend is shocked and can’t believe what he just heard. The love bubble is slowly being pricked.
Permission to digress abit but please let me ask a quick question.
Why do people fall in love?
There are numerous answers and below are the few that come to mind:
* He makes me happy
* She is funny and full of life
* He treats me like I am special
* He is smart and down to earth
* She takes good care of me
* He is always there for me
* He is rich and provides for me
* She is God fearing
* He loves and adores children
* She is respectful.
As the above shows, folks tend to fall in love with people who display positive traits and make them feel good, special and appreciated.
This is all good because no one wants to stay in a relationship where he is not valued or loved.
So the aforementioned love stuck guys are already in this love bubble filled with the good things about their partner but slowly their partner’s bad habits like a pin begin to nibble at the bubble to burst it.
Some relationships survive this test but only after a very testing time. Many others (in fact a majority of them) don’t. They struggle between reconciling their partner’s bad traits and their good habits. It is at this juncture you hear things like “he is so caring and nice to mean, I don’t understand why he slaps me when he is angry”.
I have a solution to this debacle. Instead of focusing only on the good things about you (things you know your partner would like). Why not tell them the bad traits about you (things you know they might not like and might struggle with accepting).
When next you meet someone you like and feel you want to spend the rest of your life with, divulge the type of information that would scare them away now rather than later.
Tell him of how you slept with some guys in his neighborhood (because soon or later, he will find out and be hurt you didn’t tell him).
Tell her of how you turn into the HULK when you get angry and smash anything close by (so she understands and prays for you if she cares and not act all surprised when you pick her up and throw her across the room).
Tell him of the little beautiful princess you have out of wedlock (obviously he will find out soon about your daughter).
Tell her of your weakness for anything in skirt, how promiscuous you were but how you are trying to change your ways (so if she sticks with you, she is aware of what she is up against).
Tell her of your love for sex how you like to have it morning, noon and night (so she’s doesn’t act up when you ask her for the fifth round of the day).
Tell him about your runs girl days. The days you were wild and slept with anything for money but how you have turned a new leaf (so when and if he finds out, he wouldn’t dare hold it against you).
It might sound absurd to tell someone you love, care about and cherish such bad and repulsive things about yourself but the true is they will find out one day. Isn’t it better they find out now and decide whether to stay or leave than to find out after a 5 year relationship and still leave?
If after divulging your secrets/bad habits to someone and they choose to leave. Simply put you just dodged a bullet. They don’t deserve you.
You don’t want to live your life in pretense or have someone that would accept your good and not the bad.
I once told a girl I liked about my mood swings, temper tantrums and impatience. In her words “I can’t cope with an angry or sad person because it gets me sad too. I wouldn’t want to get rubbed with d same disease. I like myself happy and easy going”. Yes she used “disease” to describe my weaknesses. Imagine!!!….LOL.
She wanted to pick and choose. She liked and appreciated the good things about me but detested my weaknesses. She failed to realize that I was the whole package. You either choose the whole me or leave the whole me. My feelings died a natural death afterwards. This happened within a month after meeting her thereby saving us both years of anguish ahead.
Take my advice people. Use your weaknesses to separate the wheat from the chaff. The serious from the flippant. Your weakness could be being broke, having no car, joblessness. If they leave, don’t beg them. Let them go. Anyone that stays really really cares.