The most awkward conversation a child can ever have with his/her parents is the “sex” conversation. I can’t actually remember in detail what my mum and I discussed on that fateful day before heading to Secondary school (dad has NEVER discussed sex with me, seems he just figured that the same way animals learn without being taught, his son will learn without his input). All I can recall from my mum’s very quick sex talk that day was the line “don’t get a girl pregnant”. Those words I never ever forgot.
Sometime in the future and over 10 years since that mother-to-son discussion, the issue of sex came up. Now I was more mature and had just finished University. Commenting on a story she either heard on radio or from one of her many gist-me-I-gist-you friends she said like a woman who meant every word; “Girls nowadays would get pregnant for a man, literally arm twist him into marrying her and they end up having a miserable marriage. My son, please if you have to have sex, use a condom. And remember this, I will not bless any marriage you get the woman pregnant before marrying her. Because more often than not, it’s either the child isn’t yours or you marry her not because you love her but because of the child and that’s a big mistake on its own”.
Those words have stuck by me over the years and no woman born of a woman, dead or alive can lay claim to EVER having a child for me, aborting a child or even missing her period because of me. Never.
In the World we live in today, it’s no secret that children are Heavenly and transform the union of a man and a woman into a family. But this only happens when a woman conceives after marriage not before marriage. When a man marries a woman because she gave birth to his child not because he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her then that marriage is bound to end up in divorce. Doubt me? Ask Americans.
To further buttress my point, two real life examples stand out.
1. Jennifer is a 31 year old lady I call my adopted elder sister. She recently got engaged with her wedding coming up later in the year. The issue is her intentions to get pregnant before marriage because the Doctor detected some anomalies in her womb. In her words “I want to try and get pregnant before we get married because it affords me the opportunity to find out if I can really conceive before getting married”.
2. Jerry is a young man in his late 20s. He is currently in a relationship with Sade who he intends getting married to after she finishes school and he’s more financially buoyant. The issue is that he got another girl (Bimpe) pregnant, she refused to abort a long time ago, she’s almost due and Bimpe’s parents demand he MARRIES her. To add flavor to the story, Bimpe already has a 6 year old child for another man and Sade is unaware of her boyfriend’s “predicament”.
Both are true stories with the names changed for confidentiality purposes.
So this is a summary of both stories, a girl wants to get pregnant before marriage just to ascertain her child bearing potency while another girl is intent on using a child to tie down another guy.
My advice to Jennifer:
Babe, to start with, you are a devout member of a Bible believing church which will never wed a couple with a pregnant bride.
Secondly, as a Christian with knowledge of the tenets of Christianity, you are aware that sex before marriage and pregnancy before marriage is a sin.
Thirdly, getting married is not to bear children but to spend the rest of your life with the love of your life. Children are an addition not a must have. (People happily adopt for crying out loud).
Another important point is a result of the “experiment” to get pregnant. So what happens if you try getting pregnant days before the wedding and fail. Would he still intend going ahead with the wedding?
What if you get pregnant and he ends up changing his mind about getting married to you? What then happens to the child?
Lastly, as a God believing Christian, you are aware that children are a heritage of God (Psalms 127:3-5), children are a “good thing” and God would never deny His sons and daughters good things (Psalms 84:11) and finally the Bible says in Exodus 23:26 that “none will miscarry or be barren in your land”. So babe, after all these assurances, instead of believing in the Doctor’s report why not believe in God’s report that you will have a child. Get married and have a child. Not have a child then get married.
My advice to Jerry:
For starters, having a child outside wedlock isn’t advisable but it isn’t the end of the World. Children are beautiful and amazing creatures. I know single mothers who intended aborting their babies but after childbirth, these same babies mean the World to these mums. Instead of denying the child, owe up and accept the baby (after a comprehensive paternity test is carried out and you are the father).
Secondly, tell your girlfriend the truth about this child, beg for her forgiveness, tell her of your intentions to be a great father to your child and ask her to help you bring the child up as the other parent.
Thirdly, don’t even contemplate being forced into marrying a woman because she has a child for you. Never. You don’t choose who becomes your child’s mother (could be a one night stand or happen “by mistake”) but you choose who becomes your wife. Never be forced to make that decision.
While advising Jerry and Jennifer, my mum’s words kept ringing in my ears. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, don’t be deceived by thesed clueless celebrities encouraging the baby mama syndrome. Never introduce a child before marriage. Never.